I have lied to everyone around me for so long, today is the day that the truth about me finally comes out.
I’m so sick of lying to myself about everything that’s going on around me all of the time.
I’m really good at telling everyone else what to do, but I really suck at taking my own advice most of the time.
I tell people to do what makes them happy. To not take any notice of what people are saying that you should be doing. To not let other people get to you. To not worry about what people think of you.
I tell people to do whatever the fuck they like because it’s their life.
To be fair, to a certain point this is the way that I have lived my life.
Unfortunately I have been battling a part of me the whole time that says that I am not good enough. That maybe I’m not smart enough.
If I just lost some weight then maybe I would be happy then.
That if I buy more salons or buy more houses that will make me happy.
If I get married and have a baby that will make me happy.
If I spent as much time thinking about what was right in front of me instead of worrying about what the next thing was I probably would have realised a lot earlier that I was living a lie of my own making.
By chasing the constant “what’s next” attitude, I have been running from myself. Running from myself so that I don’t have time to think about things.
I have told myself so many stories over the years. These have come from a childhood of serious bullying that I am fat, ugly, a nerd, teacher’s pet just to name a few.
I have battled with myself for so long about it and it’s only harmed me. It’s made me lose weight then stack it back on and be bigger than my before photo.
It all stops today. I don’t want to be unhappy with myself. I don’t want to be living in a state of keeping up appearances all day every day.
I’ve been so unhappy with myself for so many years that I can see how it has played out in relationships and how it has brought me to the point that I am at today, as a single mum trying to do the best I possibly can for my daughter.
I was in a bad relationship with someone where I can’t even begin to explain the negative effect that it had on me. I copped emotional abuse including being told, “I was fat and ugly and would never find anyone else better”. It made me not be able to think clearly or see how ridiculous it was that I was that I was staying with someone that was cheating on me.
At the time I had people asking me what I was doing with him? What could I see in him? To be honest now, I have no idea. The bad outweighed any good and I just can’t see how I didn’t see it then.
Now on the other side of it, I think about specific situations and I know exactly why I stayed. He was telling me the things that I had been telling myself all this time, which must have made it the truth, right?
In my eyes it was the truth. I was too fat and ugly to be able to be with anyone else.
Fortunately one day I woke the fuck up to myself and literally snapped out of it and wondered why I was putting up with it. I walked away from the relationship wishing that it had never happened.
Unfortunately for me it then progressed into a strange stalking situation where I would be out with friends and suddenly he would be there. He would be texting me asking who I was talking to or who I was dancing with. He would be on the balcony at the nightclub looking down watching me on the dance floor whilst texting me to tell me that he was watching me.
One night years after our relationship was over, I had had enough and got in a cab to go home, where I lived by myself. On the way home I got a message from him saying that he was following me. In the less than 10 minute cab ride home I had gotten some ridiculous amount of texts from him, over 30. I was petrified in my house alone, over the next hour he continued to text me and call me even though I wasn’t replying to him. He was apparently standing out the front of my house.
I was so petrified that I couldn’t even leave my bedroom and I had 000 already dialed into my phone in my hand if I needed to hit it if he came barging through my door. I have no idea why I didn’t just call them then. It eventually stopped.
At the time I was scared, the next day I told myself it really wasn’t that bad.
It really actually was. 5 years later thinking about it I can’t believe I didn’t take it more seriously. If a friend were telling me this I would be telling her to go to the police.
Fast forward a few months later and an old boyfriend came back into my life saying that I was the love of his life and he had been waiting for me for the last 5 months since we had broken up.
I got very caught up in it all and made the decision to get married. I did love him.
Now in hindsight I loved the way he made me feel, which was safe. After all the shit I had been through previously I just wanted someone that was going to be there and I wasn’t frightened by. Someone that told me how beautiful I was and complimented me all the time.
Somewhere deep inside I still thought that it wasn’t true, but it sure as hell was a lot nicer than being told I was too fat and ugly.
We got married really quickly, we eloped to Las Vegas. I had only ever wanted to get married in Vegas since I was about 14 years old, which was my ideal wedding location. We decided not to tell anyone what we were doing which did upset some of our friends and family.
I really think that one of the reasons that I didn’t tell anyone was because I didn’t want anyone to start to ask me if I was rushing things or if I thought I was doing the right thing, you know, all those questions people ask when you are making a life changing decision quickly.
I know a couple of my best friends when I told them that I was engaged, despite their initial shock, they all said, “as long as you are happy that’s all that matters”.
I thought I was happy but I think I was just as much convincing them that I was happy as I was convincing MYSELF that I was happy.
Which I had become a pro at doing. Telling myself stories about certain situations that didn’t reflect the REAL situation.
I tried so hard to be happy that it was actually wearing me out. I was so unhappy that I thought that if I sold my salon and moved to another town and started afresh as a married couple that it would fix my feelings. If I ran away from everyone that knew me, then it might mean that I can convince myself that I am happy.
I started resenting the situation I was in, I hated the new town, I hated been away from all my friends and family. I hated not knowing a soul and not being familiar with anything there.
I spent a good chunk of the first 6months not even there, I would fly to Brisbane for the weekend, I went overseas twice for a total of about 9 weeks. I went to business courses with my mentor. I just didn’t want to be there.
I started thinking maybe I wanted to have kids, which was not even close to on my radar at the time.
I bought another salon thinking THAT must be what I’m missing because that’s what I don’t have anymore.
Turns out that a few months later I was expecting a baby.
I had a bit of a meltdown when I was about halfway pregnant about not having any family around, I had no idea what to do with a baby and was totally not maternal at all. So I decided that I wanted to move back to my hometown where I would have some help.
About 7 weeks later we packed up and moved back. I thought, FINALLY I must be happy now. I have a beautiful big house, a baby on the way and two great businesses.
I was incredibly stressed because the day we moved we had less than $1000 in our bank accounts and I had no idea how on earth we were going to survive at this point.
My baby came along just 6 weeks later and was very early much to my surprise. I was in the baby bubble of a newborn and could barely function for those first few weeks.
I was still trying to run my coaching business, I did some coaching calls while I was still in the hospital with my baby in special care. I had committed to these students and it wasn’t their fault that my baby came early!
I put so much pressure on myself to be able to keep everything all together as I as suppose to be bloody super business coach and salon owner extraordinaire.
I totally pretty much stopped doing anything for my salon besides pay the bills as I thought it would just run without me doing the things for it that I did, even though I wasn’t doing clients. Unfortunately it didn’t work like that and things came crashing down around me when my baby was just 4 weeks old. It was a massive reality check.
That whole story is going to be another post – watch this space!
I ended up back at work properly on July 1st, 2014, which was 7 weeks after my daughter was born.
I had had no break whatsoever. I thought it would be ok, because I had set my coaching business up so that I had a home office and my husband has quit his job so that he could be a stay at home dad so that I could work.
It sounded like it would work but it just didn’t work as well as I would have liked it to.
There was tremendous pressure that I had put on myself to be able to run two businesses, pay for 4 mortgages and be able to provide for my family.
All this time, I’ve got a smile on my face and never let anyone in to see how much I was struggling to keep it all together.
I use to tell me that I had everything that I had ever wanted, the perfect family, the perfect business, the perfect life.
I really think that people that say that they have it all together are actually full of shit. I can’t see how anyone can have this perfect life 24/7.
I ended up taking a massive step back and thinking about what had been going on for the last few years. I had been chasing this “happy” feeling this whole time and yet I had never really gotten it.
I felt like I was suffocating everyday. I was doing everything in my power to be able to avoid my husband, which also resulted in my not spending as much time with my daughter as I would have liked to.
I realised that I had never actually wanted to be married. It was just that I did because I thought that I should.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter her dad is the nicest guy and is a fantastic father. But he just isn’t the person that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
I believe that everything happens for a reason and I believe that we were suppose to have our daughter together because he is the best dad she could ever have and she is the baby I was always suppose to have.
There are so many people out there that stay in relationships that they aren’t happy in, because they think they should for the kids. I made the decision that I needed to do this for myself because otherwise what sort of example would I be setting for my daughter in years to come? What sort of environment would I be bringing her up in if I staying in an unhappy marriage? The scars from living in an unhappy home were going to be a lot worse than her growing up in two separate happy homes.
It wasn’t a decision that I made lightly, despite my family and friends being in shock when I told them and asking me had I really thought about this. Let me tell you, I had. I had been thinking about it for 3 years since our wedding day.
I was looking for signs on our wedding day for me not to get married. That isn’t normal, but I can only see all of that now on this side of the fence.
I had been very good at faking being happy and keeping that smile on my face so that everyone knows just want I want them to know.
I was very good at faking it to myself too.
Fast forward 6 months now and I’m doing really well. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders pretty much instantly. I feel as though I am on my right path again and not wandering off.
It has been a hard adjustment in the beginning but getting myself into a new routine has helped me tremendously.
I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to cope being a single mother with multiple businesses, bills to pay and mortgages to pay.
I was so worried that I would be an absolute train wreck and that all of my hard work to build my businesses would have all been for nothing.
I was so worried that I was going to have to sacrifice either my family or my businesses and that I couldn’t be successful at BOTH.
I was so concerned that I was going to be seen as a terrible person for breaking up my family.
Bu do you know what, a family doesn’t have to be a married couple living all under one roof.
Family is whatever you want it to be.
I have learned that I need to ask for help when I need it.
I have realised that it is ok to not have all of my shit together all of the time.
I have learned that I can do this by myself.
I have learned so many things about myself that I didn’t even know were possible this year.
I have become a better person, I’ve grown so much and it has all come from dealing with the worst time of my entire life.
I am a better mother. I am a better business owner. I am a better person.
I can have it all, I don’t have to pick one thing to be successful at.
No matter what get’s thrown at me, I will always get up and fight.
I am a single mother that manages every single day to care for my daughter, run two businesses and continue to grow both my business and myself.
No one will break me or tear me down. No one.